A Lonely Time
Some thoughts on a very lonely night
I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. I’ve been through a lot. Haven’t we all? After the pandemic, I thought my life would be back on track. And in a way, it did. I multiplied my efforts and made so many victories on myself. I’m 10 times better than I was when I finally could leave my house to see the world.
Yet, life struck hard. I lost a job, lost friends over a trust issue, and almost lost the flat share I live in and had to fight so hard for it. Pretty much everything I used to believe in, I lost it. After fighting so hard to keep my flat, my flatmates reassured me that we’ll make new memories, and that things will get better. Yet they haven’t. I’m the one paying for all the bills because no one else is willing to engage themselves on a contract. I’m the one relentlessly cleaning the kitchen and the house that no one seems to care about, switching off the lights that everyone forgets about. I’m thinking about the next person coming in, how I want them to find the house, and how I want to find the house the next time I come in. I’m the one organising flat dinners when everyone else is just talking about it.
But I’m alone. And worse, now that I’ve lost my job and am stuck at home to look for new ones, I’m being told I’m oppressing, always in the back of people. Because I can’t go out and spend money. Because it’s Lent and I made a vow to reduce all my consumption of things. Because I hate my room and don’t want to use it as an office. So I’m always in the lounge working or in the kitchen cooking, and other people hate it.
Not anymore. Since I’ve been told that, something broke in me. I came back to my old ways of living. Being in my room, afraid of others, not wanting to go out if someone is there. But still, I keep my head up. Still I fight. Still I make this flat a good place, care for the others, care for the flat. Still I look relentlessly for jobs, sending CVs everyday, replying on the phone, trying freelance jobs, multiplying attempts. Still I do my sport. Still I take care of myself.
But it’s tiring. Today, I got an invitation from my flatmate to go for drinks. After everything happened, my heart wasn’t in it. Plus I don’t have money, and I can’t drink. And I remembered that I already had plans, with friends from my home country, to play some games together over the internet. So I declined. But for the first time in a very, very long time, it was something coming from them and not from me. I was surprised and a bit sad I couldn’t go. But I said no.
In the end, all my friends were exhausted, and the game lasted only 30 minutes. It was great to see them, but afterwards, I felt more alone than ever. And right now, I don’t want to face my flatmates. Not after all of this. Especially not in a pub, where there’s noise everywhere, and it’s impossible to talk.
Instead, I’m here. I’m writing. It’s not a cry for help because I know I’ll get over this. I know if I go one step at a time, one tiny step, soon I’ll be able to run. It doesn’t matter how low I feel because life is a series of highs and lows. And both don’t mean anything. What matters is where you go. What you take from your success, and what you learn from your mistakes.
For me, it’s not communicating my needs enough. Allowing people to walk over me too much. And thinking that because I managed to stop it once, I won’t ever have a problem doing it again. Relying too much on what people promise rather than on what I promise to myself.
All of this might sound grim, but it isn’t. I’m sad but not beat. I can continue. I know what it takes to move forward. And I will. I just needed to write and be selfish for once. And who knows maybe this story can help some of you. If you ever feel alone, focus within. What brings you joy and what keeps you going. We need human connection, but at the same time, we don’t need other people to move forward. You’re the only person responsible for your choices, decisions and goals. Don’t let others, or the lack of others, destroy you. Ultimately, the only person that will forever be with you is yourself. Make your relationship with yourself the best one you have, and all others will follow.
