Never Stop Learning, Never Stop Being Curious
Don’t do as I did, you’ll lose so much potential
When I was young, I was very curious about everything. I loved to learn and discover new things, I spent hours watching documentaries, science emissions, read book after book after book, and even scientific magazines. I acquired a lot of knowledge and that made life very easy. I had good grades at school, didn’t have to spend too much time studying because most of the things taught I’d already heard about it before. Except for history and languages that for some reason I never explored on my own. Everyone considered me intelligent, while really, all I was doing was spending my time in sources of knowledge.
The Curse of Knowledge
At that time, I was also really shy. When I arrived in secondary school, and then high school, a shift occured. Suddenly, I was mocked for knowing too much. People were really mean as if knowing things was a bad thing, as if I personally hurt them.
On several occasions, an odd scenario happened at home. My father would talk to me about something, like a complicated word, a historical event, or a mathematical problem. And I was like ‘oh yeah I know of this’. Suddenly, I could see a hint of sadness on his face. Like a deception. He sounded so happy to teach me something new, but I already knew it. While he didn’t say anything about that, and even sometimes encouraged me, I could still see that.
And those two things, mixed with my social anxiety, shyness, and desire to please had a strange effect. I started pretending I didn’t know anything. So people wouldn’t mock me, so people could still teach me stuff, so they don’t feel sad. Until I actually ended up not learning anymore. I closed myself to knowledge other than what was taught in high school, or things that I knew my peers wouldn’t know, such as computer science, but even that I did it to a small degree. The rest of the time I would numb myself with TV, computer games, and fantasy novels, to calm my curious mind. Until it just stopped being curious and being numb became natural.
The Issue at Work
I kept that for years. I continued learning computer science until it became a job. In my employment as a Software Engineer, I was good. It was a small startup, I was the first employee there. They had an IOS app, and my first task was to create an equivalent Android app. Then I got involved in more things, taking care of their servers and database, and adding new features. I even was tasked to build from scratch a Shopify app. I did learn a lot there. A lot about the tasks I was assigned to and how to do them. And only that.
There were a lot of things that felt strange. The requirements kept changing from one day to the next, my employers didn’t seem to keep an idea for too long. But I never asked why. The startup didn’t really worked, but I never asked why. Some choices weren’t really making any sense, but as long as it was something I knew I could do, I didn’t ask why.
And at the same time, there was a lot more I could have learnt, but couldn’t find the desire to. When creating the Shopify app, it was critical and it was something that needed to work as best as possible. So I could have looked at how to make a test suite, to ensure adding new features doesn’t break it. I could have searched for how to deploy it automatically after the test suite ran so I don’t have to do it manually all the time. And so much more. But I didn’t. I was telling myself “I’m the only developper, I don’t have time, and I can’t do it all”. That wasn’t false, but I just lacked motivation and meaning. Strangely I learnt all the theory, but couldn’t put it in practice.
Today’s Issue
This led to a major issue for me today. The startup I worked for is closing, and I have to find another job. I’m actively looking for something new. I had a lot of interviews already. But none went through. Why?
One part is I miss some experience of working with a team. Which isn’t surprising as I’ve been the only developer. But the majority of it is this: I lack knowledge, in testing, in continuous integration/continuous delivery, and a lot of other candidates have this knowledge, so they are given priority. And now I’m left struggling. I technically have the level of experience of a senior software engineer, in terms of years, but I don’t feel like it at all.
It’s Not Too Late
All of this is sad. But it’s not the end of the world. I’ve recently reconnected with my curious side. I’m watching videos, reading, taking classes, and trying many things for myself. I feel like I’m starting to live again. Learning makes me feel alive, I’m much more in phase with myself. And well, one thing is for sure, after so many years of not learning much, it means that there is a tremendous amount of things left to learn. And that’s a blessing. I’m currently struggling, but I can learn what I miss. I can overcome this difficulty by doing something I always enjoyed.
If you’re in a similar situation, just know this: it’s never too late to come back. If you feel that itch inside of you, take action, grab a book, watch a documentary, take a class, and make note of everything. And you’ll be back in no time.
